Days Without Data Loss
People Currently Regretting This
Chance Your Emails Survive
Active Restraining Orders
DAN'S
DODGY DEALS
TRIPLE D: Maximum downtime, insecure and amateur.
Partnered with 'Extracts of Inquiry' CBD Oil
Dan is NOT a licensed IT professional in any jurisdiction
PROFESSIONAL*
EMAIL MIGRATION SERVICE
*Professional in the loosest possible sense of the word
- Insecure and Amateur
- Maximum Downtime Guaranteed
- Bugs Included Free of Charge
- Data Loss is a Feature, Not a Bug
By clicking any button you waive your right to sue. Terms and Whose Side.
Email migrations outsourced to Sam (against his will)Our Services
* Results may vary. By vary we mean fail.
M365 Migration
We might move your emails to Microsoft 365. Your data will take a scenic route through servers in Moldova.
Average completion time: 6-8 months or never
Plesk Migration
Moving to Plesk? Dan will personally ctrl+c ctrl+v your data while watching Netflix.
*Best seller because we only have 3 products
IMAP Migration
We'll drag and drop your emails one by one. Sam does this manually. He hates it here.
Sam has threatened to quit 47 times this month
Why Choose Triple D?
(You shouldn't, but here we are)
Comically Insecure
Our password is password123. For everything.
99.9% Downtime
We're very consistent about being down.
Certified Chaos
Dan once set a server on fire. Literally.
Free CBD Oil
You'll need it. Trust us.
Dan's Qualifications
- Watched 2.5 YouTube tutorials on email servers
- Once fixed his nan's printer (sort of)
- Has a cousin who works in IT
- Knows what IMAP stands for (refuses to say)
- Completed 15% of a Udemy course
- Banned from Stack Overflow
Survivors Speak Out
Real testimonials from real victims
(These people cannot be reached as they have entered witness protection)
Tom
Verified Victim
Currently in hiding
"Dan deleted my entire inbox and then charged me extra for 'data optimization'. He also stole my lunch from the office fridge. I've been in therapy ever since. He still owes me a sandwich."
Steve
Hostage Customer
Migration: Day 243
"My migration has been 'in progress' for 8 months. Dan says it's nearly done. I've lost my job, my wife left me, my dog doesn't recognize me anymore. But at least the quote was expensive. I live in Dan's shed now."
Terry
Former IT Professional
Now a goat farmer
"Dan somehow migrated my emails to a server in North Korea. I'm now on several government watchlists and MI5 keeps calling. The CBD oil is mid at best. I quit IT and raise goats now. They're more reliable."
Sam
Unpaid Intern (Involuntary)
Send help immediately
"Dan hasn't paid me in 6 months. He's using my Netflix, my Spotify, and I think he's living in my house when I'm at work. PLEASE HELP ME. THIS IS NOT A JOKE. I AM BLINKING IN MORSE CODE. S.O.S."
James
Dehydrated Customer
Immune system: Enhanced?
"The stress from Dan's service drove me to drink cleaning products. Plot twist: I now have superhuman immunity. Still worse than the migration experience though. My emails are in the shadow realm. 0/10 would not recommend."
Average Rating
Based on 847 lawsuits
Google reviews: "Under investigation"
See our real reviews from real people who've made real mistakes
Rating mysteriously keeps going down
(Please don't leave another 1 star)
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Response time: 3-47 business weeks